This was a question that I got on Quora about how to design your life. I loved the question and I’m sharing it with all of you!
1.Telling Someone Off
Whenever you challenge someone on their position it makes them dig in their heels on the subject. It convinces them even more that what they have to say/think on the subject is correct.
Instead, the way to challenge someone and change their minds is to find what you agree on.
This allows you to position you and whoever else that you’re really on the same side. You’re both two people who feel the same way about something.
Now, you’re not enemies, you’re friends. Friends can have differing opinions, sure, but you’re more likely to have a civil discussion at that point.
After that, you can go into your own stances and as long as you present them in such a way that isn’t combative you’ll have more luck in changing minds.
Why is this important in how to design your life? Because the more allies and friends you have the larger your network. The bigger your reach is and the more people that will love being around you.
If you want to design your life in a way that you’ll enjoy, you need friends.
I’ll even freely admit that I could do better on both this point, and the next.
2. Trying to Have a Discussion With Everyone
Some people are just trying to troll you and bring you down.
I tend to give people the benefit of a doubt, especially on Quora, but sometimes people just rub me the wrong way.
They put words in my mouth that I haven’t said and there’s no point in even talking to them anymore.
Like I admitted just above, I could do better on these two points. Because I tend to lean on the ignore people spectrum. But not everyone is trolling, some people honestly would like a civil discussion.
Though probably 60+% of them are obviously trolling and I ignore them for sure. Within the other 40% it’s often difficult to tell.
For more tips on how to debate someone check out Charisma on Command’s Video on the subject. Awesome channel.
I’m trying to personally do better, though I’ve gotten to the point where I prefer to present the information and allow the right people to follow up.
However, in my personal life and in yours my advice is this:
If you want to design your life into one that you’ll love, it’s best to learn how to debate in a way that doesn’t make people angry. Instead, debate with people in a way that both gives and demands respect.
You’ll have far better results from that.
3. Judging People Because You Don’t Understand Them
It feels good to say “I don’t need this or that”. It feels good because that is your ego talking.
Your ego has a job to do. It’s job is to protect you as best as it can. This includes the fact that if you can’t get something that you want, your ego will instead try to attack it.
“I don’t need those kinds of friends. They’re all superficial.”
Now wait a minute. What kinds of friends are you talking about?
If you’re talking about the types of people who bring each other down instead of lifting each other up then I agree. You don’t need those kinds of people and you should ditch them.
That isn’t being mean or rude, it’s how you design your life in such a way that you protect yourself.
But, I find it sad when people talk about good, high status people like this. Not everyone with high status is going to be an asshole. Some are, for sure. But a lot aren’t going to be like that.
Most of them are status conscious though. They’re like this because they have to be. Other people know that these people have high status and they want some of it for themselves. It could be time, energy, money or any number of things. With women it could just be sex and that’s it.
They’re Not Evil
They don’t discard people because they’re shallow assholes. They avoid certain kinds of people because those people are only trying to use them without bringing anything else to the table.
Just like you and I, they want a life that they will love. And if you want to reach their level, or higher then let go of any animosity towards them. It doesn’t help.
However, they’re still people too. And most high status people that I’ve come across are actively trying to help people. They enjoy the benefits that their status gives to them and want more people to enjoy those benefits with them.
It’s just that they don’t want to get selfishly used. And most of them have been used and thrown away before. Thrown away by people that they’ve tried to help.
It’s even happened to me!
My Recent Story
Here’s a recent story: I had a ‘friend’ who I wanted to help out as best I could. I kept trying to give him advice and he would selectively ignore some of it.
Okay, so first of all why would I want to keep giving him advice if he’s only going to ignore it?
Then, when I needed help on something he would be too busy. But he was never too busy when he needed help.
He just kept texting and texting and calling always wanting more. It was insanely draining.
It got to the point where I dreaded seeing his name on my phone.
From talking to other people, they know exactly what I’m talking about and generally start in on with their own stories by this point.
It’s not that this ‘friend’ was a bad guy. He was an alright guy who has had some rough times. I can empathize with that, so I wanted to help him.
But it got to the point where he was drowning and threatened to drown me along with him!
So I gave him a choice: that we could stay friends but I would stop answering these questions because they were draining to me and it was straining the relationship. I explained as best I could that he was ignoring most of my advice anyways.
Or, he could start paying for my time and advice and we could talk about whatever he wanted. I even gave him a heavily discounted rate.
But neither option was good enough for him and I was the asshole.
High status people generally are just people. There are good ones and bad ones. But all of them have grown to have a type of radar for ‘value suckers’ and they avoid those people.
Just like how you want to design a life that you will love they are the same.
It’s not about trying to put other people down or any of that other nonsense. It’s about not being pulled under the waves and drowning.
Which goes into my next point:
4. Having an Entitlement
You have a friend who has a lot of money?
That’s awesome! That friend doesn’t owe you jack shit.
You have a friend who has a ton of women throwing themselves at him?
That’s awesome! Neither him nor these women owe you any pussy.
You have a friend that knows all of the best places to go for a good time? Great! Doesn’t mean that you’re invited.
Those are some tough pills to swallow. But the reason that each of those people, and many more have what they have is because they bring value to the table.
People don’t give you anything unless there is value in it for them.
You can argue that everyone should just give everything away and make the world a better place all you want. That’s not reality. And that’s also not you.
In my experience, it’s only the “have-nots” that advocate for free everything. The people that have nothing demand that those who have give to those that don’t have.
So design your life in such a way that you have and give value to everyone around you. Become the best version of yourself and people will flock to you.
Another Option: Design Your Life and Take Control Of Your Fate
You want money? Learn what it takes to have a great business.
You want to learn where the best party spots are? Then be someone that people want to invite to parties.
Is it easy? Fuck no it’s not. None of that is easy.
However, it is simple. So simple that a caveman could do it.
It feels good in the moment to have an entitlement. But again, that’s your ego talking. If you want what you want then design your life in such a way that you get it.
Demanding that other people give it to you is disgustingly weak behavior.
5. College
That piece of paper is worthless. The only time that it makes sense to go to college is if you are going because of a few things:
- It’s free (then might as well go for the experience and to build your network)
- You need it for a highly specialized degree (think engineering, or a lawyer or doctor)
- It’s going to pay off (related to the above, this is an investment. If you won’t make a profit within a few years then don’t go)
College is only good for building your network or if you need it to become a doctor.
And there are a lot cheaper ways to build your network.
That humanities degree some people have about the 96 genders out there in the world? Yeah, that’s a 100+ grand thrown away for something that would be better served starting a fire and cooking a s’more on. Good luck with that.
6. Most People
I’m going super controversial on this one. But most people are worthless to you.
Does that mean that most people are worthless? No. No it does not.
And before you get offended, don’t get this confused.
I am not saying most people are worthless (though a lot of them are, especially the crappy drivers on the road). What I’m saying is that most people are worthless to you.
You need to find your tribe in life, and that’s not going to be everybody. Not everybody is going to like you.
A lot of people are going to dislike and most people are just going to be ‘meh’ towards you.
Accept that when you start figuring out how to design your life.
It’s the same when I talk about asking women out on dates. There are ‘no’ women and there are ‘yes’ women.
Ignore the ‘no’ women because they don’t matter. Only focus on the ‘yes’ women because those women are the ones that are going to enrich your life.
They’re also the ones whom want you to make their lives better. So do it.
Again, does that mean that ‘no’ women are worthless in general? No. I’m going to repeat myself again because people aren’t going to listen and comment a firestorm anyways:
Most people aren’t worthless human beings. THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM SAYING.
I’m saying that they’re not worth having around for YOU SPECIFICALLY.
Find people that want to be around you for you.
And while you’re at it…
7. Stagnating
If you’re not growing then you’re stagnating, or sliding down. Either way, it’s bad.
Life is a game of ever evolving, always learning. If you want to have a great life then you have to be better than you were a year ago.
That means more knowledge in your brain, more money in your pocket, more people in your life, more experiences in your heart or whatever else.
It means being better.
What that means to you is up to you.
I can’t tell you to go out and bang a hundred women because that might be worthless to you.
I could tell that to your friend however and it be exactly what they needed in life.
Different strokes for different folks.
Just find a goal, and execute on it. Make sure that this goal resonates with your soul in some way.
You’ll likely have multiple goals that do this. Go after them all, just prioritize and put them all in different life areas.
If you have goals that are sucking up too much time and you’re failing at both then you may have to put one on the backburner for a little while.
Perfectly okay to do. Get the first goal where you want it and start maintaining it while you work on the one you had to pause for a little while.
Just keep improving and keep moving forward.
8. Junk Food
Listen, this piece of advice is just as much for you, as it is for me.
When I have a stressful day where the whole world seems to be caving in around me there is one thing I want to do. The very first thing that I want to do in this case is I want to go to WalMart and buy a big ass box of chocolate chip cookies.
And then I want to crush the whole box. I think the specific box I get totals around 6,000 calories.
But this is against my goals, so I don’t always do this. Now, don’t get me wrong, sometimes I do and sometimes I even regret it.
But I realize that this is going to happen, that’s all good. One bad day isn’t going to ruin my health just like one healthy day isn’t going to make me healthy.
This leads me to…
9. Striving For Perfection
Not going to happen.
I realize that bad days are going to happen. Hell, there are even sometimes where I intentionally go out and have a bad cheat day.
These are good.
While I no longer struggle with my weight I do want to get it a little bit better. I want a better body.
That means that there are a few things that I need to give up. That 6K calorie heart attack in a box is one of them.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t indulge from time to time.
Because why would anyone want to live a life that isn’t even enjoyable?
Take a moment and indulge in something from time to time. It’s a healthy way to design your life. Otherwise you’re going to hate yourself.
10. Ignoring Your Victories
I’ve just shared my weakness for sweets. I’ve accomplished a lot in these past few months related to changing my diet.
Is it perfect? Nope.
Is it where I want it to be? Also nope.
Does that mean that I should get in a bad mood about it? That’d also be a negatory there ghost rider.
Again, why would you want to live a life that isn’t enjoyable?
That sucks!
You have to take heart in your victories, no matter how small or large.
I’ll share another victory with you right now:
Just a few days ago I was having a shitty day. Man this was a bad day, everything about everything was awful. Everything sucked.
I wanted that big box of artery clogging goodness.
But I didn’t pick it up.
Now, willpower is not an infinite resource and I still had things I needed to do that day. Therefore, because I understand both that and how I myself operate, I knew that I needed to do something.
Because of that, I picked up a small box of chocolate chip muffins.
Was that healthy? Not really.
Was it as unhealthy as chocolate chip cookies? Not even close!
The cookies are around 6,000 calories. The muffins? Around 700 if I remember right.
For the most part, I’ve cut out breads and grains out of my diet. So by doing this I still get my hit of chocolate that I want, and I still get a nice pick-me-up in the form of bread.
I get the energy from the carbohydrates that I need and I don’t completely empty my willpower.
I was also able to partially turn that day around and keep it from going to hell like it was about to.
Life is rough, don’t make it harder on yourself.
Remember: design your life in such a way that you will enjoy your life.
11. Never Enjoying Your Life
If you want to reach your goals you’ll have to sacrifice. However, that doesn’t mean that you sacrifice all of your life.
Will you need to give up things that you enjoy?
Yes, you will.
Not all of these things you will have to give up will be bad for you either. Some of them will be quite good for you. And yet you’re still going to have to give them up in your pursuit of other things.
You’re also going to keep some things that are bad for you, even though it gets in the way of some things that are good for you.
Both of these things are perfectly fine.
Why is it fine?
Because you have to enjoy your life.
Live the life you want, pursue the goals that are going to sing to your soul.
It’s your life, live it in a way that will bring fulfillment to you.
Don’t waste it away on things that are going to ruin you. Don’t waste it on people that are going to bring you down. And especially don’t waste it living a life that is going to make someone else happy.
Let other people live their own life and demand the same treatment. Dictate your own life. If you need help with how to do that then check out these two posts or leave a comment:
Keep Moving Forward
-Alexander
